The other day, I watched a supervisor accuse an employee of being too aggressive in their communication. The supervisor stated the employee's style was intimidating and cited specific examples of how the employee's aggressiveness intimidated her co-workers. I quietly listened but quickly found myself pulling the supervisor aside to have a chat with him.
The supervisor made a classic mistake. The mistake the supervisor made was believing aggressive communication is the same as assertive communication. There is a distinct difference.
Assertive communication is basically ensuring your message is heard and understood. Aggressive communication is ensuring your message is heard (often times by beating the receiver over the head with it) and you don't care if it is understood or not. It is that simple.
The employee used confident, unapologetic language and initiated active listening to ensure the message sent was understood. But because the employee was so straight-forward with the communication, the co-worker found it intimidating and the supervisor deemed the communication as aggressive. Talk about a mess!
Here are some clear examples of aggressive/assertive communication differences:
Aggressive style:
• Strident, sarcastic or condescending voice
• Fluent, few hesitations
• Often abrupt, clipped
• Often fast
• Emphasizing blaming words
• Firm voice
• Tone sarcastic, cold, harsh
• Voice can be strident, often shouting, rising at end
• Use of threats, e.g., “You’d better watch out” or “If you don’t...”
• Put downs, e.g., “You’ve got to be kidding...” or “Don’t be so stupid”
• Evaluative comments, emphasizing concepts such as: should”, “bad”, “ought”
• Sexual / racist remarks
• Boastfulness, e.g., “I haven’t got problems like yours”
• Opinions expressed as fact, e.g., “Nobody want to behave like that” or “That’s a useless way to do it”
• Threatening questions, e.g., “Haven’t you finished that yet?” or “Why on earth did you do it like that?”
Assertive style:
• Firm, relaxed voice
• Fluent, few hesitations
• Steady even pace
• Tone is middle range, rich and warm
• Sincere and clear
• Not over-loud or quiet
• Voice appropriately loud for the situation
• “I” statements (“I like”, “I want”, “I don’t like”) that are brief and to the point
• Co-operative phrases, e.g., “What are your thoughts on this”
• Emphatic statements of interest, e.g., “I would like to”
• Distinction between fact and opinion, e.g., “My experience is different”
• Suggestions without “shoulds” or “oughts” e.g., “How about…” or “Would you like to…”
• Constructive criticism without blame, e.g., “I feel irritated when you interrupt me”
• Seeking others opinions, e.g., “How does this fit in with your ideas”
• Willingness to explore other solutions, e.g., “How can we get around this problem?”
So before labeling an individual's communication style, be sure you truly understand the differences between assertive and aggressive. After all, it is those assertive communicators you want in the workplace.
